Joy in the Journey

Excuses

"You have got the wrong person." "I'm not ready yet." "I might fail." "I do not have the skills." "Someone else will do it."

These were all excuses Moses made as recorded in the book of Exodus chapter 3 when God commanded him to go and request from the Pharaoh the release of the Israelites from the bondage of slavery.

These are all the excuses I am making at the moment in response to what I think God wants me to do right now - in the way I sense God wanting to use what I've learned about how God ministers to people...speaking out the Word into people's lives, ministering to people through prayer, praying for God's healing. But, I feel alone in it even though I know with certainty that we have everything in Christ and He is with me "whithersoever I goest' (Joshua 1:9).

Today, a friend tweeted that when we use the spiritual gifts God has given us, we feel most alive - that's because that one of the purposes He has for us - to know Him, to worship Him, to serve Him, to build up the Church, and to share His saving grace with others... And I think things are feeling (yes, I know, it's just a feeling) a bit anti-climactic after being in an environment, community, and job where I was 'in flow.' It makes me totally unmotivated to look for work that is anything different than what I was doing - serving the church, engaging with a diverse community, coaching staff, building a team, mentoring young adults, etc.

But though I am disappointed, I have hope in the One who does not disappoint...

A happier day

Sadly, my blog is often the place where I nail down my sorrows or paste them on a screen so I can unravel them and sort them out. But, this evening, I'd like to just mark a day that ended up quite a happy one. Highlights for me:

• I had a nice conversation with a friend from London early this morning and being encouraged that yes, indeed, there are good reasons why our family needs to be here in Cali at this time
• We had L around for the day since he was out of school
• A long time friend took me out for a sushi lunch where we could converse as long-time old friends can
• I spent 2 hours with my daughter, O, on a nice long stroll - we now affectionately call "walkie talkies" to relive our many London walks and talks.
• Had an enjoyable meal with the family-no fussing about with the kids
• Helped O study for her quizzes/tests tomorrow - was super proud that she did well on our reviews
• Put the kids down at a decent time with little fuss
• Had a nice chat with J
• Was a tiny bit more productive this evening on my job hunting preparation
• Looking forward to hanging out with L's class tomorrow on a field trip to a local history museum (a tiny bit cynical about the destination now that we've been spoiled by London's museums...but nevertheless excited.

Re-entry Reflections - Wk 7

Was just asked by a friend how I was doing back in Cali, and the response I emailed her seems to capture my state of being at the moment:

Good, but neither here (Cali) nor there (London) - but that's great for faith, restlessness in life, that is; confirms the fact that we have no 'home' here. See [my blog] for more pensive thoughts like that and more! Back in Cali for the moment, don't see it being a permanent thing, but in the end, God knows best - and that is something I am sure about no matter how unattractive the options look at the moment.

This video clip shown last week in church: First World Problems gave me a sense of the apathy and deceived lack of need in general among the majority of the people in our community here. Oh, the needs are there. The 'poor will always be with you' rings true - but it's easy to walk around with blinds here, to ignore it, to drive past it. And where there are needs, the 'can do' attitude which is promoted and boasted of (and which, in many ways, I am a product of) tempts me to be self-sufficient, self-reliant and not sense a need for the work of the Spirit in the every day.

One thing I'm learning and exercising at the moment is what it means to order my life and schedule and time in a prayerful, reflective, Spirit-led way. That is all just spiritual vocab for 'how to not succumb to the tyranny of the urgent and respond to the needs around me that seem most pressing.' It is an exercise of thinking through priorities, exposing my gut feelings, noticing how God is already working in/around me, asking God to reveal what He might want to do in/around me, etc. This impacts what I sign up for re: kids activities, groups that meet regularly for study/support/fun etc. This impacts who I will have coffee with, eat lunch with, hangout with.

So, at the moment here are the priorities I've committed to (this is tough for someone who has a tendency to over commit):

1. Nurture faith through regular conversations w/close network of friends here/abroad and carve out time daily for study, reflection, prayer

2. Continue to strengthen relationships with hubby and parents

3. Coach/Counsel kids through the re-location/re-entry stress

4. Spend time researching/applying for work so we can earn money to be financially independent/pay bills

5. Support friends who are going through difficult times here/abroad and find other friends whom I can pray with to keep me re-charged and keep me from operating 'in the flesh'

6. Find ways to serve my church that don't disrupt my other commitments at the moment.

 

The list doesn't seem too full, but I feel good about it and am confident that this is where God wants to be at the moment.

Re-entry Reflections - Week 6

It's the first day we've got both kids in school - today was O's first day. Driving back from dropping her off from school, I was struck by the reality that the holidays (MY holiday) is over...other than sorting out medical insurance, we're practically settled down, though the emotions still haven't caught up.

I enter this next chapter in life with both anticipation and apprehension - Waiting in eager anticipation to see what God has in store - excited to see this God who has become so dear and so delightful is planning to do next. And yet, at times, paralyzed by apprehension, because change is never comfortable - especially when change is imposed on us.

The first 2 weeks back were marked by jet lag, a stream of socials and reunions, and a flurry of errands and paperwork to plow through. Then the Christmas season came with it more reunions. It was quite a change attending just one service this year after having grown accustomed to the number of services that Anglicans put on each Christmas. How the photos of the beautiful candlight carol service at SGH made me long to be there. The weeks following New Year's was a time of transition for the kids, really - L started school and settled in quickly. He absolutely loves his class and his new teacher. He never stops saying how much 'fun' even though there is more homework to do. I'm quite pleased that he is quite conscientious to complete his assignments upon arriving at home each day. As for his social life, well - that will take more time. Thought it's been quite a joy having O at home for the last 2 weeks, this also meant that most of the time was spent acquiring necessary school supplies (binders for every subject, school PE kits, locker combination locks, etc.) and many hours spent helping her catch up/revising for her maths class so she can enter the 2nd semester with more confidence. I'm pleased to say that we were able to get through 4 chapters within a week's time and she was incredibly disciplined and motivated. 

With that behind us, I sit here in the parking lot of Mc Donald's (free wi-fi) after having listened to a message from JC at SGH about moving in the power of the Spirit when we are feeling timid and not at all confident in Him. He encouraged us to aim for our prayers to be that which focused on the life we have in Christ and on thankfulness. The passage, incidentally, was one that was preached just this last Sunday at our church service here (2 Tim 1:4-12):

4 Recalling your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with joy. 5 I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also. 6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. 7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 8 So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, 9 who has saved us and called us to a holy life--not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, 10 but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. 11 And of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher. 12 That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day.

The verse that caught my attention last week was verse 7 as I don't feel as confident in the Spirit in my current context without the support and guidance I had at SGH even though I know I have everything in Christ and Christ is here. The speaker, D, pointed out that we would normally think that the opposite of timidity is "courage," but it is not stated as such here in this passage - Rather, a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline. This really helped me with what I need to focus on at the moment and how I can regain the confidence I have in Christ. I need to walk and move through each day with the promise of God's power, with the reassurance of His love for me, and with a reliance on Him as I discipline myself to be rooted deeply in the Word and move intimately into prayer and worship.

JC's sharing about his not having the confidence to pray for the gentleman with cancer was something so relevant and close to home at the moment as I have friends around me struggling with this illness. But the battle is not against cancer, it is against the temptation against disappointment with God and doubt in His goodness and power. 

When I step back and assess this last 6 weeks, I definitely feel that I am being challenged to put all that I've received from God this last 3 years to the test. I've grown in intimacy with God, confidence in His power and goodness, in a renewed excitement about reaching out to those in need and in a love for the beauty of the body of Christ, which is the church. Can I continue to have that intimacy and confidence in God during a time of uncertainty? Can I have that desire and love to show grace to my family whom I live with and not just to friends and those in the community? Can I re-integrate into another local body of Christ whilst knowing all the exciting things happening across the pond in London? 

And what of my character is God honing and pruning? Pride and a critical spirit surely have no place in a Spirit-filled life. And where there is no repentance, there can be no miracles (as I've read this last week in Matthew). May my life be marked by humility and grace so I can allow the Spirit to move, to work, and to (once again) fill me with the joy I had in Him. May accept the shortcomings of others who are close to me as God accepts those in myself. May I be a light and not suck the light and hope/love of Christ in others. May I continue to be honest about the challenges I face and yet with thanksgiving in my heart boldly move forward in faith and keep my eyes wide open for great things God will show me and do in, through, and around me.

One thing I refuse to do is gloss over the challenges I'm facing now. I'm committed to not omit those in my life log as I believe that the beauty and hope which God brings to our lives is evermore radiant when it is contrasted with the darkness we experience. Often, I find that Christians (in efforts to be helpful and comforting) are so quick to comfort those who are struggling with sweet words or pacify them with harsh realities. But, really, people who are hurting just need the presence and prayer of others. Prayers for comfort, for joy, for the Spirit, for resisting temptation, etc. So, girded with a prayer not to succumb to self-pity, I aim to feel pain, mourn loss, cry aloud, and wrestle with God as Jacob did for His blessings. And in the midst of all of that, stand in awe of God's faithfulness to comfort, rescue, restore, and guide.

 

 

Re-entry Reflections - Month 1

Now 4 weeks into our re-entry into life in suburbia, I realise that I have luggage left in London - my mind and my heart are still in London. From a practical and cognitive/objective point of view, life is good. We have more than a roof over our heads, we are well-cared for and provided for by my parents who are super generous with their time, their energies, and their wallets.

A useful distraction which has successfully kept me from my natural inclination to hide into my cave of despair has been to focus on ticking off as many of the items off of the "Suriving in Suburbia" To Do List:

• Renew our driver licenses
• Get the family's vaccinations up to date
• Find and Register for schools for the kids in time for the new January term
• Find a cheap, reliable car
• Re-train the children with the rules and etiquettes of riding in a car
• Find a consistent routine for burning calories and resisting over-eating given the sedentary lifestyle of suburban life
• Navigate parenting in an extended-family context
• Re-connect with relatives and old friends
• Configure our computers so we can watch BBC UK content so we can stay updated on our favourite shows
• Re-assimilate into our church community
• Establish tools and routines for staying in touch with UK friends given the 8 hour time difference
• Find jobs so we can make enough money to pay off our debt and find a way home.

Initial expectations versus Reality

With regards to what I expected and what actually happened, I was absolutely right about my expectation that I would dread all the driving around. I so miss walking - and not just walking for walking's sake, but walking to an actual destination and walking which involves seeing other living creatures around. I was wrong about the tension I'd feel when I would reunite with friends - rather than feeling awkward because I'm conflicted about being back, I found myself genuinely happy to reunite with friends we hadn't seen in such a long time. And I was touched by the warm reception of many of them. Neighbours from our old 'patch' immediately arranged for a supper to welcome us back. Friends arranged a social with a few other families for a wonderful reunion. We feel loved. And it goes without saying that my parents have been incredibly generous and tolerant considering that an entire family has 'invaded' their peaceful home and well-oiled routine and social life.

But certain things make the tears well up:

• the words 'home' and 'dreams'
• long stretches of uninhabited pavements/sidewalks
• empty shops and shopping centres
• praise songs I sang and learned in London
• conversations about the amazing things God has been doing in and through the SGH church
• hours spent on the road trapped in a car

On the other hand, things that have really helped make things easier:

• conversations with good friends who are sympathetic and empathetic to the difficulty of the transition
• my prayerful morning jogs with worship music blasting in my ear
• walks with the family or a friend
• tennis
• bbc iplayer shows from the UK
• ideas about how God wants me and us to be a blessing to people here
• promises from God's Word
• Skype calls, tweets, and Facebook updates from our UK community
• seeing the kids re-discover parks, cheap/good food, re-uniting with friends

The journey continues...