Joy in the Journey

Re-entry Reflections - Week 6

It's the first day we've got both kids in school - today was O's first day. Driving back from dropping her off from school, I was struck by the reality that the holidays (MY holiday) is over...other than sorting out medical insurance, we're practically settled down, though the emotions still haven't caught up.

I enter this next chapter in life with both anticipation and apprehension - Waiting in eager anticipation to see what God has in store - excited to see this God who has become so dear and so delightful is planning to do next. And yet, at times, paralyzed by apprehension, because change is never comfortable - especially when change is imposed on us.

The first 2 weeks back were marked by jet lag, a stream of socials and reunions, and a flurry of errands and paperwork to plow through. Then the Christmas season came with it more reunions. It was quite a change attending just one service this year after having grown accustomed to the number of services that Anglicans put on each Christmas. How the photos of the beautiful candlight carol service at SGH made me long to be there. The weeks following New Year's was a time of transition for the kids, really - L started school and settled in quickly. He absolutely loves his class and his new teacher. He never stops saying how much 'fun' even though there is more homework to do. I'm quite pleased that he is quite conscientious to complete his assignments upon arriving at home each day. As for his social life, well - that will take more time. Thought it's been quite a joy having O at home for the last 2 weeks, this also meant that most of the time was spent acquiring necessary school supplies (binders for every subject, school PE kits, locker combination locks, etc.) and many hours spent helping her catch up/revising for her maths class so she can enter the 2nd semester with more confidence. I'm pleased to say that we were able to get through 4 chapters within a week's time and she was incredibly disciplined and motivated. 

With that behind us, I sit here in the parking lot of Mc Donald's (free wi-fi) after having listened to a message from JC at SGH about moving in the power of the Spirit when we are feeling timid and not at all confident in Him. He encouraged us to aim for our prayers to be that which focused on the life we have in Christ and on thankfulness. The passage, incidentally, was one that was preached just this last Sunday at our church service here (2 Tim 1:4-12):

4 Recalling your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with joy. 5 I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also. 6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. 7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 8 So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, 9 who has saved us and called us to a holy life--not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, 10 but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. 11 And of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher. 12 That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day.

The verse that caught my attention last week was verse 7 as I don't feel as confident in the Spirit in my current context without the support and guidance I had at SGH even though I know I have everything in Christ and Christ is here. The speaker, D, pointed out that we would normally think that the opposite of timidity is "courage," but it is not stated as such here in this passage - Rather, a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline. This really helped me with what I need to focus on at the moment and how I can regain the confidence I have in Christ. I need to walk and move through each day with the promise of God's power, with the reassurance of His love for me, and with a reliance on Him as I discipline myself to be rooted deeply in the Word and move intimately into prayer and worship.

JC's sharing about his not having the confidence to pray for the gentleman with cancer was something so relevant and close to home at the moment as I have friends around me struggling with this illness. But the battle is not against cancer, it is against the temptation against disappointment with God and doubt in His goodness and power. 

When I step back and assess this last 6 weeks, I definitely feel that I am being challenged to put all that I've received from God this last 3 years to the test. I've grown in intimacy with God, confidence in His power and goodness, in a renewed excitement about reaching out to those in need and in a love for the beauty of the body of Christ, which is the church. Can I continue to have that intimacy and confidence in God during a time of uncertainty? Can I have that desire and love to show grace to my family whom I live with and not just to friends and those in the community? Can I re-integrate into another local body of Christ whilst knowing all the exciting things happening across the pond in London? 

And what of my character is God honing and pruning? Pride and a critical spirit surely have no place in a Spirit-filled life. And where there is no repentance, there can be no miracles (as I've read this last week in Matthew). May my life be marked by humility and grace so I can allow the Spirit to move, to work, and to (once again) fill me with the joy I had in Him. May accept the shortcomings of others who are close to me as God accepts those in myself. May I be a light and not suck the light and hope/love of Christ in others. May I continue to be honest about the challenges I face and yet with thanksgiving in my heart boldly move forward in faith and keep my eyes wide open for great things God will show me and do in, through, and around me.

One thing I refuse to do is gloss over the challenges I'm facing now. I'm committed to not omit those in my life log as I believe that the beauty and hope which God brings to our lives is evermore radiant when it is contrasted with the darkness we experience. Often, I find that Christians (in efforts to be helpful and comforting) are so quick to comfort those who are struggling with sweet words or pacify them with harsh realities. But, really, people who are hurting just need the presence and prayer of others. Prayers for comfort, for joy, for the Spirit, for resisting temptation, etc. So, girded with a prayer not to succumb to self-pity, I aim to feel pain, mourn loss, cry aloud, and wrestle with God as Jacob did for His blessings. And in the midst of all of that, stand in awe of God's faithfulness to comfort, rescue, restore, and guide.

 

 

London forecast...the next 24 hours

Light rain

Light rain

Sunny Intervals

Light rain

Light rain

Sunny Intervals

Light rain, Light rain

Sunny

intervals.

Despair, Disappointments

Sunny intervals.

Fear, Worry

Sunny intervals.

Noise. Silence.

Sunny intervals.

Sunny

intervals.

Thank God for sunny intervals.

 

Spinning Spool

The path before me like a silky red ribbon unraveled, leaving a lonely paper spool
spinning.

Spinning,
spinning,
spinning...
until
it
stops.

Freedom. Fury. Frenzy and Fear
until
He
stops me
and fills me
with Faith.

And all that is left are His red stripes before me.

I am Free!

GOOD FRIDAY PRAYER 2011

Lord Jesus Christ,
We come before you this day to worship you.
To worship the One who gave His life for us
While we were yet sinners.

We worship You, the One whose body was broken so that our lives may be healed
We worship You, the One who endured scorn and shame of others in order that we may know true peace-peace with God and unity with others in the Spirit
We worship You, the One who gave up His right as the Son of God, to walk on earth as one of us-the Creator coming down to live as One of His created...to allow others to care for your needs, when, in fact, You are the source of all of our needs.

May we like the Centurion at the foot of your cross,believe You are the Son of God
Like Joseph of Arimathea, wait in expectation that Your kingdom will come
Like the women who followed You, serve You faithfully

Just as you lay down your life willingly and freely, may we desire to lay our lives down as instruments of Your love, your mercy, and your peace.
Just as You were willing to live in a world of darkness, grant us boldness to bring Your light to dark places.
Just as you were faithful unto death, may we faithfully live each day of our lives.

Easter Hope for the Weary Soul

An endless list of To-do's
whirl overhead.
Issues and Conflicts constantly
peer around the corner.
Plates spin. Balls drop.
A daily dose of Patience and Wisdom required.

Down below
seeds of resentment grow.
Small shoots of despair surface
as the silence of Tomorrow drowns out the serenity of Today.

The Spirit moves.
Prophetic words of 'something stolen'
for a skeptic church leader.
Stories of transformation-
of young boys and ex-offenders.
Faces of those oft out of place
lingering in the Sanctuary long after the service ends.
Jesus lives!

And the To-do's stop their whirling,
they come gliding down gracefully
forming a tidy pile.
Issues are diluted.
Conflicts are quelled.
Plates keep spinning.
Fewer balls drop.

Weeds of despair wilt in the shadow of the Tree of Hope.

A prayer of desperation...

About three weeks ago, I prayed one of my irreverent prayers of desperation: "Fine, God. Be silent on the matter of our future. I don't need to know everything and all You have in mind. But, if you could just do me a big favour and assure me you are here...you are listening, that would really help. I give you 2 weeks. And I'd like to see it come in the form of some activity in the job search for J. Applications have gone out for months with little or no responses. The visa clock is ticking. So, I need some assurance that You are on our case - You are here. You are in this."

Within 2-3 days, there was a referral from a friend to work in a company that has the means to sponsor employees for work visas. Within another 2 days, J had a lunch meeting. The following week, there were two additional job leads, one from a 'dream company' to work for, for which he will have a phone interview today.

And yesterday, just 2 weeks after that prayer of desperation, J started the first day of his 3-mth contract at that company referred by our friend just south of the river.

Hmmmm....

Autumn update and Thoughts for the New Year...

The infrequent pattern of my blog entries these days is a good indication of how challenging it has been guarding time for reflection, prayer, and self-care. Again, I know...not healthy. And yet, I've already made significant progress in disciplining my time so that my physical well-being, sanity, family peace, and what's left of my social life are all in a healthy state.

But, what bothers me is that I'm really in 'maintenance mode.' And, I'm one of those who always has the 'life is short' perspective and refuses to accept as an aim to life that old slogan - "Keep Calm and Carry On" which originated in England during the nationwide threats in the days of WWII.

Though, I'm well aware that my constant pursuits to 'aim high' and 'press on' and 'dig deeper' are but luxuries to many in the world in this earthly life tainted by pain, survival, and suffering...I feel that my longing for something more and something better whilst being grateful and content for what God has provided and accomplished is a good thing - that, perhaps, this longing is an indication of God's glimpse of the world and life He has in store for all who trust in Him.

Wow...what a serious tone to begin the New Year with on this 1st day of the 1st month of the new year. And yet every year, I end up in this place - this place of 'looking back' and being grateful for the blessings God has surprised me with, thrilled at the fruits of commitments and aims I made a year ago...and that longing for more - more insight, more strength, more wisdom to know God deeper, to connect more people to Him and what His goodness, to learn more about the beautiful people He's created and put in my world, and to be awed by His power and love.

The ramp up time to all the Christmas services this past month was truly challenging. It's perhaps the one (of two) times in the year when people in the community might consider attending a service, so, as a church, we invest a load of time and energy into services and events in December. For the office, that meant, planning in Oct/Nov. So, at 6:30pm last Wednesday when the office was officially closed, my mind did a virtual 'logoff' and 'shutdown.' And those who have witnessed me in 'holiday mode', I think, are surprised at my lack of awareness of time, details, and the significant increase of 'flakiness' - as evidenced by my realization at 2:30pm this afternoon that O had a birthday party to attend that was scheduled for 1pm. OK, I did have the excuse that I stayed up the last two night playing 'nurse' to a sick son who kept me up, but STILL...

Having said all of that, I was so full of awe at the way that God helped me stay upright so I could ride the waves through all the busyness of last Autumn. J completely oversaw O's secondary school application process. Former addicts and ex-offenders in our church were giving their lives to Jesus - to the point that their own family members who banned them from family socials saw such transformed lives that they were welcomed back! The church resurrected money left dormant in a trust and was able to purchase a 3-bedroom flat for future parish workers. God helped me maintain some level of peace despite conflicts among various people. And though everything that COULD go wrong seemed to go wrong in the office (e.g. failing water boilers, door entry/security systems, video projection systems, neighboring relations, transportation systems to central London etc.)...God was sovereign.

So, with an uncertain future ahead still in every respect, I throw myself completely into the arms of this sovereign, good, and powerful God who sees beyond what I, nor any other human eyes, can see. And I gird myself with the passage of Scripture in Hebrews 11: 12-16  which says of the Bible "greats", Abraham, Moses, Noah, etc:

 ¹³ All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. ¹⁴ People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. ¹⁵ If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. ¹⁶ Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

My prayer is that my restlessness and the anxieties of an uncertain future would only help me become more aware of the temporary nature of this earthly life and long more for that which is eternal and so much more satisfying.

And to close, I start this New Year's with a new way to pursue a pattern that helps me live beyond 'Keep Calm and Carry On', but rather, "Aim High and Go Further" - I have just ONE new year's resolution, which I think will ignite all other pursuits and good intentions...I wish to return to the good old fashioned way of guarding one's quite time with God in the mornings with a modern twist - get up earlier, find a cafe near the office, get grounded and re-charged before I tackle my To-Do list.

 

Never

                alone

on this Saturday morning

in Your house

buried in bookkeeping

i stop.

to kneel

and claim once again

that God, You are Good

to me.

and like a good Father

will not withold anything good

from me.

Just as I found such delight

in picking up a small gift for my children

yesterday.

You delight in seeing a smile on my face.

And I hear Your Voice in my voice

as I reassure them regularly--

I am not the enemy...

My discipline and demands

are never meant to hurt you

or even to withold good things.

Never.

And the echoes of

NEVER

           NEVER

                      NEVER

reverberate from Heaven

and in my heart.

I met with You this morning.

and laid my mess before You

in surrender

waiting expectantly.

Knowing

You will look out for me

for my best

so I can rest

and my heart can be free

to bless Your best

to others.

And any restlessness

that lingers

remains only

to bring me back to You

that I might seek Your rest

Your best.

Embracing the Tree of Life

Shunning the Tree of Knowledge of Good & Evil

and the beauty of its fruit fades.

The sun breaks through the gray clouds

over Queen Square.

reflections on TS Eliot poetry readings

after a night of words from

another American in London,

my mind begins to whirl 

with words of my own.

his words became my words

as they gave my heart a voice.

Eliots vivid word pictures

of a heart full of distress for a suffering world,

of journeys one takes down memory lane

of hopes of returning renewed, refreshed, transformed.

His themes of endless cycles 

of humility and pride. humility and pride.

desires for humility which births seeds of pride

which stirs in one more of a need for humility

which, then, turns up-- back to bite

in the form of pride.

how we easily pat ourselves on the back

for choosing to be pure and faithful

and in choosing, loosing it all again.

His random musings and free-associating style

leads readers through a maze

they need to find their way through.

The self-awareness he is aware of.

These circles and cycles swirl about

and led me to conclude that it's not all about

escaping the circles, but

staying in one place

to embrace

Him.

It's about drawing more circles

in His presence--

drawing in His presence

to draw in His presence

and to find peace...

"Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous." (Albert Einstein)

[Originally written 2/22, Updated/Posted tonight on 3/15 now that I finally have some time after the transition to our new flat!]

Tonight, we heard this quote on the “Faithless” episode of the TV show “House.” It was a really great episode filled with the yearnings and doubts of both the faith-filled and the cynics. And the quote reflects the blog post I had begun writing before I even sat down to watch it.

Something has happened to my faith ever since we took this crazy step of faith to move to London. The loss of suburban comforts and conveniences of home, the feeling of ignorance living as a foreigner (despite the fact they speak English here), and the uncertainty of the near future has left me with that renewed awareness that I’m not in control—not even of little things. It has forced me let things go—and as a result, my eyes have been open to amazing ways that this God to whom I’ve entrusted my life with, is faithful and He is able to provide just what we need, just when we need it—no earlier—no later. Not just big things. Even small things. And I’m not speaking of just “how things seem to work out.”

Anxieties that only He knows about are met by His provisions at the perfect time in a most desirable way. I have done nothing to deserve this. I didn’t need to earn it. Neither does it mean that things will always work out in the way that I desire. But, He knows me. He knows my faithlessness. He knows that I always doubt His goodness—His power—His sovereignty. I see the hardships and trials of people in my world, and I often doubt He cares. I doubt He has the power to do anything about it. I doubt He is personally concerned with my small, seemingly trivial concerns. And though I’d never prescribe for people to make a drastic changes in their lives and move from secure to insecure, I can say this much—A life filled with uncertainty, financial insecurity, and loneliness gives God a greater opportunity to show-off what He can do and let’s Him shower His love on us.

And God has done this repeatedly…hearing my prayers (as it says in Scripture) before I even pray). Moving through “coincidences”—too many of them—too often…

New Flat: The opportunity to move to a new flat that would alleviate some of my household burdens was so timely and so unplanned (even unsought for) and yet, the move would fit our priorities in every way—we would stay in the same general area (1 block away from our current flat), we wouldn’t need to pay much more, it was a property managed by the same property managers that manage our current property (so all the paperwork was simplified), and many of the inconveniences of living in our current flat are alleviated (regularly plugged sinks, poorly sealed windows, open kitchen floorplan better suited for guests).

[Update March 16/2009: Well, fortunately we don’t have plugged sinks and our windows ARE indeed sealed well, etc…but as with everything, there are always new issues—but overall, we love it and it IS easier to maintain]

Finding Movers: Right after I finished the e-learning project for the eye surgeon, I was approached by a friend from the school whose husband wanted a new website for this building business. In exchange, he agreed to help me move house—a van and two men.

[Update: He did an amazing job loading up the van and transporting all our stuff up 4 flights of stairs to our new flat; don’t know how we could’ve done it without their help]

Finding boxes: We were adamant about not spending money on boxes for our move…, The Postal center had overpriced  boxes selling for $3.20 GBP per medium-sized box—we ended up needing 2 of these. But, throughout the week before the move, I was able to find free boxes at our local grocery store, on one of the small mini-markets on our street; we even stumbled upon some heavy duty ones on a leisurely walk through Soho my friend and both of our kids during their half-term holiday—all taped up in a stack ready for me to transport; In the end we had JUST the number of boxes we needed.

Missed Home Delivery: Just the weekend before the big move, I stepped out for one hour and missed the delivery—the kids’ new foam pad seats/roll-away mattresses. They would have to re-schedule and there was no way we could be home from 7am-7pm for the delivery during the week. It just so happened that Jack didn’t have school on the following Monday—so we ended up re-scheduling and avoid a trip to the local store to pick-up—so our kids would have something to sleep on the first night at the new flat!

Also, St G opportunity: A thought in my mind sprung up before I even had the faith to utter a prayer; I had been looking at our loan amount increasing ever so quickly—and it concerned me even though it was within our budgeted amount—it just naturally worried me—I’ve never needed to live in debt while not having income. So, I thought to myself—it would be perfect if I could find a way to serve my local church while getting some compensation for our expenses here…within about 2 weeks time, I receive an email from our pastor with the greeting: “I had a crazy idea…” and was basically an invitation to apply for a position as Office Manager at the church. My jaws dropped. Me of little faith.

[Update: Tonight, I was given the job offer—with the flexible schedule, the close proximity to school/home, the wonderful staff, and the great benefits and pay, I am just giving all the praises to the God who provides!]

Faith for other things: Jack would find full-time work here in London in the media industry, Christian community for our family and peers for our children, Opportunity for Jack and I to join a fellowship together, Kids would hunger for the Word and maintain a habit of regular feeding on it; Close friends would see the hope and joy found in Jesus; Reunion with brother and family in near future. [Update: Something has worked out for a reunion with my brother! Details to come…it’s a surprise for my kids…so it’s hush hush at the moment]