Joy in the Journey

A happier day

Sadly, my blog is often the place where I nail down my sorrows or paste them on a screen so I can unravel them and sort them out. But, this evening, I'd like to just mark a day that ended up quite a happy one. Highlights for me:

• I had a nice conversation with a friend from London early this morning and being encouraged that yes, indeed, there are good reasons why our family needs to be here in Cali at this time
• We had L around for the day since he was out of school
• A long time friend took me out for a sushi lunch where we could converse as long-time old friends can
• I spent 2 hours with my daughter, O, on a nice long stroll - we now affectionately call "walkie talkies" to relive our many London walks and talks.
• Had an enjoyable meal with the family-no fussing about with the kids
• Helped O study for her quizzes/tests tomorrow - was super proud that she did well on our reviews
• Put the kids down at a decent time with little fuss
• Had a nice chat with J
• Was a tiny bit more productive this evening on my job hunting preparation
• Looking forward to hanging out with L's class tomorrow on a field trip to a local history museum (a tiny bit cynical about the destination now that we've been spoiled by London's museums...but nevertheless excited.

Top Test Scores from Shanghai Stun Educators

Friend sent an article today entitled "Top Test Scores from Shanghai Stun Educators" (full article here: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/07/education/07education.html?_r=1)

I found my own email response to her rather amusing and telling. Here was my email in response:

Thanks for this.  But I'm super cynical about the whole performance culture of the Chinese. I've known and know too many casualties. Children and adults who are emotionally and socially scarred and know nothing of love outside of love that is earned from performing well. Thank God I wasn't raised by parents like that!!

Obviously, I'm not against training up my kids to achieve in academics and other areas, but I just have such an aversion to (what I've seen), is often such a narrow perspective of life.

Here's the Excerpt: 

Top Test Scores From Shanghai Stun Educators

By SAM DILLON

Published: December 7, 2010

With China’s debut in international standardized testing, students in Shanghai have surprised experts by outscoring their counterparts in dozens of other countries, in reading as well as in math and science, according to the results of a respected exam.

Sherwin/European Pressphoto Agency

Pupils studying English at a school in Shanghai, a city that has become a magnet for many of the best students in China.

ROOM FOR DEBATE

American officials and Europeans involved in administering the test in about 65 countries acknowledged that the scores from Shanghai — an industrial powerhouse with some 20 million residents and scores of modern universities that is a magnet for the best students in the country — are by no means representative of all of China.

 

TS Eliot

Tonight, i had the opportunity to be involved with a Theology and Literature event at our church. What a sight to see the church packed with 70 guests, of whom the majority were just people in the community--from the local area. The ambiance of the evening--jazz, canapes, and wine was amazing. The talk was inspiring. It's such a great feeling to see the walls of our church come down. 

It's just another reason why I love living here. I just can't see 70 people turning up in the community for not-so-well-publicized Theology and Literature event back in my California suburb on a Thursday evening. People kept the flier from early February about the event and just turned up.

The speaker did a great job of inspiring us to read the poetry of TS Eliot. I'm one of those that loves a good talk on poetry, but often find it frustrating to navigate on my own--without guidance...the speaker did a good job of making the poetry come alive and expounded very sensible interpretations of TS Eliots writings. I would've never been able to get so much out of the poems on my own. 

And from his talk, I realized that much of TS Eliot's self-awareness, his 'mind games with himself', his free-associating style of thought, his way of synthesizing those seemingly random thoughts and feelings, and the pictures he painted with words really resonated with me. Themes of forgiveness, the seemingly endless cycle of humility and pride, true spirituality, and distress over the world--are all themes that recur in my thoughts. 

Excerpts such as this one from "Ash Wednesday" are so fun to read, but resonate so much with many of the prayers i've been praying as of late.

Where shall the word be found, where will the word
Resound? Not here, there is not enough silence
Not on the sea or on the islands, not
On the mainland, in the desert or the rain land,
For those who walk in darkness
Both in the day time and in the night time
The right time and the right place are not here
No place of grace for those who avoid the face
No time to rejoice for those who walk among noise and deny 
the voice

What really matters...

It's not guilt that brings me back to my BlogSpa, but a desperate need to exhale. I feel like I've been holding my breath for the last 2 weeks or more and I just need to breathe. After the celebration of J finding work after 10 months of uncertainty spiraling into despair, the proper time had come for me to deal with the anxiety of working out the family routine with two full-time work schedules--a first for us. I say 'proper' because a colleague of mine wisely advised me not to worry about such things until the time had come. And, he was right in saying that, because it wasn't 1/2 has bad as I thought it would be. And I didn't think that the friends in our community, alas our 'village', was so kind and generous in helping with after school pick-up. In fact, I'm quite amazed at how smoothly the transition went.

However, I realized early this week that my need, now, to leave the office at a designated time requires that I am  even more efficient with the limited hours I have each day to accomplish each day's required tasks. So, I'm on orange alert now and making it a priority to protect my inner world because I choose not to live a driven, headless/heartless existence, but rather one that seeks God's discernment for when to stop and be present with people, when to re-schedule time with people and get work done, and when to do neither--and just pause to prioritize, pray, and re-focus.

In order to help me with this I have been:

• leaving the office daily to either take lunch or, at least, go grab lunch
• taking advantage of the time I spend walking to/fro to pray and work out my day with God in mind
• making and effort to schedule coffee breaks and lunch with friends occasionally
• getting back to my blogging routine again (now that I've got a laptop that can go without a charge for 10 hours), and, despite, the more dense daytime schedule, avoid working in the evenings
• carry on going every fortnightly to the daytime women's Bible Study/prayer sessions at A.S.

Yesterday was another 'Mad Monday'  that included back-to-back meetings, a fresh list of things to do, a stress headache, collecting children from school, and a lovely visit from cousins from the other side of the world we haven't seen in at least a decade. But, I realized that what really matters is not how many things I do and how many boxes I tick on my to-do list, but HOW I going about doing things--my attitude, my priorities, whom I choose to spend time talking to or listen to, who I stop to help, the tone of voice I use when I speak with people, how many blessings from God I was able to count.

At the end of the day, what mattered was not that I was able to send a letter in time, find the information I was looking for, reply to all the emails I was sent, cook a dish to serve guests within 30 minutes--but what mattered was that I was able to bless a guy on the street with lunch, pay for the Vicar who left his wallet at home when at the grocery store till, not feel overly guilty for allowing my 'long-lost' relatives to bring food over to share with us when they came over for supper, and to notice that God blessed me with a wonderful family friend who happened to get off work early to help me pick-up O from school AND from dance class so I could have a bit more time to finish things off at the office.

Wow. Who would've thought that Mad Monday would turn into aMazing Monday...

OK, I'm not exempt from homesickness...

An old friend wrote an email to me today. I met her, J, about 18 years ago in my Master’s of Education program where we enjoyed many hours together working on, what is now referred to as, eLearning projects. And, once again, I’m reminded that there are just some people in life that are what people refer to as ‘soulmates’—those friends with whom one can just be yourself with—and whom there is a mutual respect. And 10 years living apart from each other is like nothing when you connect again—even when miles away.

Recently I’ve had a hard time ‘summarizing’ my life in the last couple of months. It is definitely a reflection of my lack of discipline to reflect recently. I was in the mode of just getting through my list of things to do each day, wearing all the hats I wear each day as office manager, wife, and mom. I haven’t really even worn my friend ‘hat’ since I’ve been too mentally or physically tired or unmotivated to connect with people at the end of the day, and save up what I can muster so my husband and I can remain good friends.

In short, it’s felt much less like a ‘holiday’ recently—my first year here definitely felt like a year of vacation. Sure, it was hard playing single parent with J fully invested into his 1–year program, but I had free time as well, time to go on my run and explore london workouts, time for coffee/lunch with friends, time to phone up friends from the U.S. in the evenings, time to work on art projects like knitting, paper jewlery, sketching, photo organizing, etc. But, ever since the new term in September, the office demands have been great. We spent 6 weeks preparing for the largest service we have all year—our Carols by Candlelight service and because I’m not going out of town, I need to help hold up the fort alongside or Rector/pastor during our 3 services in 4 days.

I also realized, as I was responding to a friend to the ‘how are you doing?’ question. Here’s an excerpt from the response I sent that best reflects how I am doing:

“I'm rarely the type to get homesick because I love to explore and be in new environments and take it all in, but this is the first time I've made a more semi-permanent…home away from home and THAT fact combined with the dreary, short days and long, damp, winter nights was overwhelming me just last week to the point of tears--AND I'm [not even] hormonally challenged at the moment!

But,  [this Christmas holiday has ended up] better than [I] expected--I'm reminded that we have got friends here that care about us and that we enjoy being with..nothing that can replace those time-tested, long-term friendships as those I have from California, but nevertheless, we feel we 'belong.' It's funny, I don't have many family traditions over Christmas--having come from Chinese immigrant parents, they didn't pass down many memorable Christmases, but it's the New Year's that really difficult for me because in the past 10 years or so, we've always hung out with other families with children about the same age at the home of someone who could host us all and just ate, chat, laughed and hung out. And last year, though it was nice to be invited to a New Year's party with Jack's classmates from his business program, it just wasn't the same--it's hard to do small talk between 11pm-1:30am with new acquaintances…”

 I just don’t feel like talking about my past jobs, where I was born, and why we are in london in those wee hours of the night—

Last Sunday, I felt a deep urge to attend our 6pm Sunday evening service. Instead of the regular format—praise, prayers, sermon, praise and close, it was a more relaxed atmosphere for lots of singing and prayer and quiet. And, it’s just what I needed…to re-focus, to be quiet, to re-connect to the One who made me, guides me, empowers me, and gives me joy. I went in, sat on one of the bean bags in the chair-less sanctuary and just teared up. Soon, many friends would be travelling, off having fun and we would be ‘stuck’ here in a very quiet city. Meanwhile, a week-long vacation without any reunions with old friends just seemed so lifeless. But as we sang and praised God for His sovereignty, power, and grace—all characteristics I have experienced in our lives in the past year—and were led to pray for others in need and others who need hope, I began to draw my attention away from my hurts and become re-energized to be an instrument of God to serve and bring hope to others.

And, this past couple of days, Christmas Eve, Christmas, and today, Boxing Day, have been non-stop with our local friends that stayed behind. And the meals and conversations shared were sweet and rich. We could be ourselves. We did have fun. We do feel loved and feel that we belong. And with all the horror stories of friends stuck on trains, on the road, and in airports, staying home wasn’t so bad after all. The experience this morning of an otherwise hustling, bustling train station this morning brought was a welcome sight. The 50% off every item in the Next store Boxing Day sale was most productive—and O and I managed to have our, what seems to be developing as, annual shopping/bonding morning. Playing football with another family in the muddy field of Bloomsbury Square was invigorating.

And receiving a few responses from friends and family to whom we sent an eCard to reminded me that I haven’t lossed everything thanks to email and the new age of the Internet and the ways we can still virtually connect/reunite.

Dark, Cold, Wet

I don’t know if it’s because life has become a list of to-do’s moments of coffee with friends here and there or whether it’s just this horrid, dreary weather. Today, i found myself missing the city lights from the evening skyline we used to enjoy at our last flat. Though I love the quiet and quaint road we now live on, I DO miss that sense of escape from a dreary day high up on our penthouse-like flat at A street.

I’m not quite out of that dreariness I feel during these months of short days and long nights. The wetness and rain doesn’t phase me quite as much as the darkness and the cold—though I know it’s mild compared to so many other cities in Europe and the U.S.

Tonight, however, I found one comfort we enjoy on cold Autumn and winter nights in London—warm, mulled wine and mince pies enjoyed by candlelight in our lounge after the kids have gone down. Mmmmm… And with that, I have hope that this too shall pass…

When Dreams Come True

Many years ago, J and I dreamed about partnering together to come alongside university students as they journey through their faith and their lives—and tonight, during a prayer time with the 5 young ladies in my bedroom. this was the second time they met in our home—it hit me…God fulfilled that vision that began so many years ago—Now I know why we had to move…Though the circumstances were, in no way, good—God transformed into something good—no, something amazing, actually.

Four in Fourteen

Within the short duration of fourteen months, I’ve moved house FOUR times:

The first of which, was the most painful simply because we were clearing out of our 1400 sq foot home not including the extra large 2–car garage.

The second move was equally painful simply because we were moving to another continent to an place we were completely unfamiliar with.

The third, was actually not too bad because were pretty lean on the ‘stuff’ but J was in the thick of things during his 1–year business program which rendered me pretty much alone at the homefront.

This last move (today) was painful in many aspects. Physically taxing because I have full-time job and have little or no down time to scour the city for free boxes no find the time to pack during the weekday. It was emotionally draining because we were not planning to move nor did we want to move. I was quite happy in our former flat and despite all the stairs we had to climb and despite all the noise of trains, cars, and students at the local residence hall, it was my “escape from the dreary London gray skies” pad. All the sunlight and privacy we had living on the top floor of a flat lined with windows—is probably the best survival strategy for those dark months. Secondly, J had a trip planned to Brazil weeks before our landlord notified us he was selling the flat and we had to move. So, the weekend before he left, after packing all the books from the bookcase and all of his clothes/shoes, he was in holiday mode didn’t want to worry about it anymore. So, having to work full-time, care for the kids, AND coordinate the move was…so intensely stressful, I broke down in tears probably about 3 times in the last week. The physical/emotional drain drove me to senseless anxieties about living in a less-well-lit flat, moving to a flat with little/no storage space, how to find affordable boxes, what to do with the unfurnished nature of the flat, etc.

Needless to say, I’ve gotten packing/moving/unpacking down to a science. On the other hand, I find the whole process quite unsatisfying. Last night (this morning), I was up at 5:30am still ripping ‘cellotape’ to assemble boxes and carefully labelling each box with and idea of its contents and the room it need to end up in. This afternoon, just 7 hours after all of that effort, I’m looking for a knife to slice through all the tape to release all of the contents in the box once again. The satisfying part, if there is any, is moving to a new place and creating a new space and finding a new place for everything.

As soon as all our material possessions had arrived at the new flat, I quickly distributed all of the boxes to the proper room and set out to assemble my bed so I could have a much needed nap  before collecting the children from school.

And, my take-away from this whole ordeal—okay, maybe not ‘ordeal-worthy’—but it’s the love and support from my community of friends here. Wow. I’d like to thank:

JG who transported a good number of boxes from work for me

SF who offered to watch L all of Saturday, including serving him lunch and supper and packing me a ‘takeaway’ version of that supperTHEN offering to hang out with me the morning of the move to help with whatever (she ended up having to nurse her ill son, but hey, it was a beautiful gesture)

The P’s who offered to have O over late afternoon through to the evening after supper on Saturday while L was at J’s house.

S offering to bring me more boxes. S texting me yesterday afternoon with kind supportive words as well.

J and C who so kindly offered to watch L and O late Sunday afternoon and early evening. The both of them sending lovely encouraging messages of cheer during the ours of the move.

IH who after a crazy morning with a bunch of kids invested a good 3 hours to meticulously wrap each of my mugs, glasses, plates, and cups with the unwanted BT Vision yellow pages books. I alwasy fear the kitchen-packing department. The care which one needs to take with each of the cookery sets, the time it takes to clear/sort food products. The odd/large sizes of cooking pots, pans, microwaves, food processors, etc. I sending me a text of encouragement and support during this morning’s move.

KH who came for at least 1 hr to help with more packing and working with I to help me disassemble my sofa bed (now main bed)

J who left me a bottle of Chilean wine to enjoy on Monday night after the move. J who offered to go collect the kids from school today—we ended up celebrating her 10th birthday at a nearby cafe with a little cupcake/candle and juice. J brought the candle, the happy birthday banner, cocktail umbrellas and all! O felt really special—and it made up for my lack of ‘hoopla’ on her birthday since i was so incredibly busy.

C who offered to take my children to school this morning so I could finish off last-minute things and wait for the the moving crew to come.

And last but not least, D and his mates who did the actual moving of boxes, suitcases, and things up and down our 4 steep, flights of stairs. Since D was suffering from a bad cough/cold, I even stepped into to help with the lighter things. Two van loads later, I was seeing them off and heading to my room to assemble my napping bed.

Kids were thrilled about sleeping in the new flat tonight, despite the fact that they are living in box-land at the moment. And, I’m going to begin my ‘settling in’ project now that we’re here—but that’ll have to wait until AFTER O’s birthday celebration next weekend…

 

Community

Recently, I’ve come out of my state of denial and have really longed for my long-time friends from ca. I thought wrongly that with internet, facebk, and skype that we could easily keep in touch. But with the time difference and our hurried lives with younger children—I can no longer hope for the ‘journey through life together’ moments…those conversations about seemingly trivial occurrences in our day like what made us upset, what brought joy, what gave us hope…sharing those sweet and cute and rotten moments with our kids…watching our kids play together, fight together. Chat over coffee or wonton noodle soup at HK Cafe. I miss the “I just need to talk to someone” moments that are just a phone call away.

In one year, sure, I’ve made friends and today I realized that they are really special. The P family invited me and the kids to their residence hall for a cheap, hot meal for their residence hall dine-in night and offered to watch the kids while I pack on Saturday with the two young ladies who offered to help me pack all afternoon. CL is happy to take my kids to school on the move day next Monday. MW let me borrow her teaset for O’s bday tea party. JG offered to bring me boxes for the move. SF offered to hang out with me on the day of the move. So, it’s worked out—this new community. But as for ‘soulmates’—though I’ve found a couple…one moved away and I still haven’t found a girlfriend with whom I can not only have fun with, but with whom I can find spiritual refreshment and support as I journey this most challenging life. So, as much as I love living in this lovely city, the longing for the comfort of old friends remains.

Thanksgiving in September

This past I Sunday at the Harvest Festival service, I saw a picture of beauty and love…children and grown-ups walking up to the altar as a processional with hands full of food products to share with the community—an act of compassion, community, and worship.