It's the first day we've got both kids in school - today was O's first day. Driving back from dropping her off from school, I was struck by the reality that the holidays (MY holiday) is over...other than sorting out medical insurance, we're practically settled down, though the emotions still haven't caught up.
I enter this next chapter in life with both anticipation and apprehension - Waiting in eager anticipation to see what God has in store - excited to see this God who has become so dear and so delightful is planning to do next. And yet, at times, paralyzed by apprehension, because change is never comfortable - especially when change is imposed on us.
The first 2 weeks back were marked by jet lag, a stream of socials and reunions, and a flurry of errands and paperwork to plow through. Then the Christmas season came with it more reunions. It was quite a change attending just one service this year after having grown accustomed to the number of services that Anglicans put on each Christmas. How the photos of the beautiful candlight carol service at SGH made me long to be there. The weeks following New Year's was a time of transition for the kids, really - L started school and settled in quickly. He absolutely loves his class and his new teacher. He never stops saying how much 'fun' even though there is more homework to do. I'm quite pleased that he is quite conscientious to complete his assignments upon arriving at home each day. As for his social life, well - that will take more time. Thought it's been quite a joy having O at home for the last 2 weeks, this also meant that most of the time was spent acquiring necessary school supplies (binders for every subject, school PE kits, locker combination locks, etc.) and many hours spent helping her catch up/revising for her maths class so she can enter the 2nd semester with more confidence. I'm pleased to say that we were able to get through 4 chapters within a week's time and she was incredibly disciplined and motivated.
With that behind us, I sit here in the parking lot of Mc Donald's (free wi-fi) after having listened to a message from JC at SGH about moving in the power of the Spirit when we are feeling timid and not at all confident in Him. He encouraged us to aim for our prayers to be that which focused on the life we have in Christ and on thankfulness. The passage, incidentally, was one that was preached just this last Sunday at our church service here (2 Tim 1:4-12):
4 Recalling your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with joy. 5 I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also. 6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. 7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 8 So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, 9 who has saved us and called us to a holy life--not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, 10 but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. 11 And of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher. 12 That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day.
The verse that caught my attention last week was verse 7 as I don't feel as confident in the Spirit in my current context without the support and guidance I had at SGH even though I know I have everything in Christ and Christ is here. The speaker, D, pointed out that we would normally think that the opposite of timidity is "courage," but it is not stated as such here in this passage - Rather, a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline. This really helped me with what I need to focus on at the moment and how I can regain the confidence I have in Christ. I need to walk and move through each day with the promise of God's power, with the reassurance of His love for me, and with a reliance on Him as I discipline myself to be rooted deeply in the Word and move intimately into prayer and worship.
JC's sharing about his not having the confidence to pray for the gentleman with cancer was something so relevant and close to home at the moment as I have friends around me struggling with this illness. But the battle is not against cancer, it is against the temptation against disappointment with God and doubt in His goodness and power.
When I step back and assess this last 6 weeks, I definitely feel that I am being challenged to put all that I've received from God this last 3 years to the test. I've grown in intimacy with God, confidence in His power and goodness, in a renewed excitement about reaching out to those in need and in a love for the beauty of the body of Christ, which is the church. Can I continue to have that intimacy and confidence in God during a time of uncertainty? Can I have that desire and love to show grace to my family whom I live with and not just to friends and those in the community? Can I re-integrate into another local body of Christ whilst knowing all the exciting things happening across the pond in London?
And what of my character is God honing and pruning? Pride and a critical spirit surely have no place in a Spirit-filled life. And where there is no repentance, there can be no miracles (as I've read this last week in Matthew). May my life be marked by humility and grace so I can allow the Spirit to move, to work, and to (once again) fill me with the joy I had in Him. May accept the shortcomings of others who are close to me as God accepts those in myself. May I be a light and not suck the light and hope/love of Christ in others. May I continue to be honest about the challenges I face and yet with thanksgiving in my heart boldly move forward in faith and keep my eyes wide open for great things God will show me and do in, through, and around me.
One thing I refuse to do is gloss over the challenges I'm facing now. I'm committed to not omit those in my life log as I believe that the beauty and hope which God brings to our lives is evermore radiant when it is contrasted with the darkness we experience. Often, I find that Christians (in efforts to be helpful and comforting) are so quick to comfort those who are struggling with sweet words or pacify them with harsh realities. But, really, people who are hurting just need the presence and prayer of others. Prayers for comfort, for joy, for the Spirit, for resisting temptation, etc. So, girded with a prayer not to succumb to self-pity, I aim to feel pain, mourn loss, cry aloud, and wrestle with God as Jacob did for His blessings. And in the midst of all of that, stand in awe of God's faithfulness to comfort, rescue, restore, and guide.
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